Full Circle

Nineteen years ago last week I walked through the doors of the United States Property & Fiscal Office (USPFO) for California for the very first time. Thus began my career as a Federal Technician. I was a mere 23 years old - soon to be 24. I'd like to say that I didn't plan on being here nearly 20 years later. I'd like to say that but it would be a lie.

I was looking for security. As a child raised with a disabled father who was too old and old-fashioned to allow his wife to be the family breadwinner, I remember clearly the monthly juggling act come bill paying time. Of course, the significance was lost on me in those days but I do remember having some awareness of financial stress. So when I saw the opportunity for a government job all the security and stability seeking bells in my head began ringing with glee. So, deep down inside, I did plan on being at my new job ad infinitum.

This unadmitted career plan still didn't keep me from being traumatized my first few weeks on the job. Myself and another new hire close to my own delicate age began in the Property Management section. How we got so lucky I'll never understand. Property Management was, at that time, a fairly sedate section filled with middle-aged women who had been working there long enough to see the retirement light at the end of the tunnel. One afternoon, Gladys casually mentions that she had been working at that desk longer than I had been alive.

For some reason, I was absolutely horrified by this!!! I saw years and years of servitude stretching out before me. Stagnation. Old age. Wrinkles. Prior to that the longest I'd worked anywhere was 2 years (exactly). The very thought of so many years at one job boggled my mind.

Fast forward 19 years and 4 desks (positions) and I find myself training a fresh-faced 23 year old. He's funny and personable and brings loads of life into the office. He has dreams and plans of becoming a nurse. He was 4 years old when I began working here. I wonder if he's as horrified as I was. I wonder if he'll still be here in 2029...

"I Feel Good" (cue James Brown)

I wasn't a blogger when I had cancer. Mostly I think that's a bad thing. It would have been interesting to read back over my posts from those first days after diagnosis - to hear the shell-shock in my words. Or those days of chemo and radiation and pure exhaustion. But other days, I feel that it's all for the best to have those memories locked up inside me in a place that only I will ever see. Overall I am an extremely positive person, but there were some fairly desolate hours during treatment.

All of that only makes me more aware of how far I've come. How good things are these days.

I have always had a strong constitution yet the year or so before my cancer diagnosis (when I was pregnant with Danny) I was plagued by irritating physical issues. I wasn't sick, per se. I was, however, very "run down". I developed a cough that wouldn't go away and eventually made it so difficult to catch my breath that I found myself spending New Years Day 2005 in the Emergency Room. This was not my first trip there either. I'd been twice before for the same thing. I would just cough to the point of (wetting myself) and not being able to get any oxygen. The very act of talking was almost more than I could handle at times. Those of you who know me understand how torturous that was. The long and short of it was Cough Variant (Bronchial) Asthma irritated by my pregnancy. Those were bleak days. Hey... maybe that's why chemo wasn't so difficult for me. At least I could breath.

So... the point I'm trying to make is this...

Here it is, our End of Fiscal Year at work, and I've been working my tail off. I worked 58 hours last week and 56 the week before (including weekends). I go home and have visitation with my boys (that's what it feels like these days), order in some dinner and collapse on the couch until everyone under 4' tall is asleep and I can finally go to bed myself. Then it all starts over again the next day. And yet, I feel wonderful. Exhilarated. Tired, to be sure, but good.

I can breathe. That's always a great thing. I'm not so short tempered as to be a shrieking harridan with my husband and kids. Shamefully, this has not always been the case in the past. And I have enough energy to go to and enjoy Ben's soccer games, surf the internet and manage my fantasy football team.

It's funny how we tend to lose sight of our blessings - like good health and abundant energy - in the midst of our work-a-day world. Those all important things that we take for granted until they are pulled from us. Today I am counting my blessings.

Side note: I just got a sad call from Daddy-O. All male members of my household are home sick today. Laid low by head colds.

Cross posted to Mothers With Cancer

Countdown

It's that time of year again. The end of fiscal year. The time of year that all Federal Government Contracting employees work until the money is alllllll gone. Day and night. Weekdays. Weekends. Did I mention we don't get overtime? One of the great ironies of Federal employment is that we do not fall under federal labor laws. Instead, we get "comp time", an hour off for an hour worked.

At any rate, In just 8 short days, I will get my life back. Just in time for October, aka National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Working towards my new focus, bringing Breast Cancer out of the shadows and into the light, I will be hosting a fund raiser for Young Survival Coalition.

I thought about doing a walk, or (gulp) a run... But any one that knows me would recognize that as a pipe dream. So I decided to go with what I know. Beverages. Namely, the adult kind. And it just so happens that YSC is sponsoring a Drink Pink, Think Pink campaign. So, I am going to throw a Pink Cocktail Party!

I'm just so excited. The very thought of a pretty pink Pomegranate Martini just might get me through the next eight days...

Sharing the love...

Ooooh! My co-worker / friend just got his engagement pictures back. They are incredible! He gave me permission to share them with you.

Raj is one of my very favorite people! He is kind and funny and just the right amount of naughty to make the work day pass quickly. Best of all, he has a great work ethic and a profound sense of integrity. Mindy is a very lucky girl.

Oh, to be young and in love again... and looking forward at your life together. There is nothing like that feeling. Color me green.

Happy Birthday, Daddy-O, Thanks for the buzz!

Pardon the posting while buzzed... but today is Daddy-O's 41st birthday. We just got back from a great dinner and drinks with friends we don't see often enough these days. There were about 20 of Daddy-O's friends from his soccer days. I always love to see them. But one particular guy, Chris, is not so much a friend of Daddy-O's as a friend of his friend's... and also a guy I used to work with.

We were just acquaintances when we worked together... we BS'd when we ran across each other & talked smack/flirted with a marked lack of seriousness. Then I was diagnosed with cancer... I had no idea he had connections to my non-professional life at the time. When I ran into him as a groomsman at a good friend's wedding I was pleasantly surprised. Actually, I felt a bit on the spot when his fiance (that I didn't know existed) came upon him partially undressed while showing me his tattoos. Actually, it's pretty incredible that he has a worthy (where worthy = life-altering) story behind each and every one of them.

So, at any rate... Chris was there tonight. And after I had a few glasses of wine he confided in me that my attitude when I was going thru chemo is what helped him thru his grandfather's death from cancer. I guess his grandfather (who was more like a father to him) was dying about the time I was under treatment.

I was really too buzzed (yeah for me!!!) to catch all the details of the story (so sorry, Chris). But the general gist was that I (where I= my general attitude) was an, encouragement, help, amusement, whatever, that helped him get thru those trying days. Whatever, I'm so glad I could help.

I love hearing things like that. It makes me feel like my chemo was all about them. And that's not as bad as it sounds. I prefer that it was about them than me. I guess I'm too buzzed, does that make sense?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Daddy-O,

You are still the best gift receiver I've ever met. I think that's why I married you. We are the perfect marriage of a gift-giver and good-receiver. Thanks for always making it a great time for all.

Unplanned Hiatus...

It's the End of the Federal Fiscal Year... I didn't realize I would be so busy for so long that I'd be unable to update. The good news is it all ends on Friday...

In the meantime, please go visit Sarah over at The Killer Boob. She's having her v-e-r-y long DIEP flap breast reconstruction surgery today in Belgium. Please send all your positive thoughts, prayers and healing energy her way.