2007 - a retrospective

Today is a day of reflection. An activity I actually have time for because my wonderful MIL has taken the children off our hands for the next few days. Daddy-O and I are a spoiled pair, I tell you. I am supposed to be prepping for the New Year's Eve party hosted by your's truly tomorrow night, but since Daddy-O is out in the garage putzing with his new IPOD for the umpteen billionth hour now, I will take some time out of my frantic house renovations to answer the questions posed by Linda over at All & Sundry.


1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

I had breast reconstruction surgery in January and a tummy tuck as part of that surgery. Can you say "Rockin' new boobs!"? Also, started seeing a "Diet Doctor". Embarrassing yet so satisfyingly successful.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year's resolution was to appreciate life more. I did a great job keeping that one the first half of the year. But I must admit I slacked hard the last half. And, yes. I resolve to resolve again this year. Stay tuned for future attempts at greatness.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Not this year. High hopes for 2008, though.
4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, I did not lose anyone close to me this year. I lost enough people last year to carry over.
5. What countries did you visit?

None unless you count down town Los Angeles as a Country unto itself or Bakersfield. Good arguments could be made for both.
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

Fiscal security aka money.
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 19 - went back to work after cancer treatment. October 20 - one year anniversary of being cancer free!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Going back to work.
9. What was your biggest failure?

Keeping my cool with my kids. I am such a yeller. I hate that about myself.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No. Blessings from God have been abundant this year. My cancer is gone, as is my asthma. At the risk of jinxing myself, I have been wonderfully healthy the entirety of 2007. Thank God and keep it coming.
11. What was the best thing you bought?

D's piano for Christmas. Anything that gives a kid that much pleasure has got to be high up there. Although if you ask me next month it may well be at the bottom of my list.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Al Gore. I had no idea. He really opened my eyes.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I was really too busy minding to my own business to be too appalled by others.
14. Where did most of your money go?

Medical copays and credit card bills .
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Blogging & reading blogs. Pretty much made everyone around me sick with it.
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

Lucky Man by Montgomery Gentry
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?

Compared to last year I am happier but less content, if that makes sense. I am definitely thinner and I am oh, so much poorer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I pinched pennies more.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Yelling at B.
20. How did you spend Christmas?

I spent Christmas at home with Daddy-o and my boys and my MIL. It was a wonderful day - though not relaxing in the least. What Christmas is for the Mom...
21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

At least once or twice with Daddy-O. Every afternoon with B and four or five times and hour with D.
22. What was your favorite TV program?

CSI. I am such an addict.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

The better question would be "Do you like anyone this year that you did not like last year?" The answer would be most everyone. Cancer gave me a new perspective in that regard. Most everyone has something to offer if you look hard enough. And given the proper limitations virtually all annoying habits can be overlooked. That being said, I am a very large work in progress.
24. What was the best book you read?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Itunes
26. What did you want and get?

A GPS for Christmas. Yeah! But the best gift was for my birthday from Daddy-O. He gave me a digital picture frame. Awesome. I have everyone I love at their happiest looking at me all day long.
27. What did you want and not get?

A cure for cancer.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I suck at getting to watch movies. My favorite and probably only film of the year was Harry Potter.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 41 this year. I had a quiet dinner out with Daddy-O. Nothing spectacular.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More satisfying. Interesting choice of words. Better is easy. But satisfying... I guess for B to be caught up and reading at grade level after being put on meds and for D to be completely at age-level in all things despite his disability. A normal, whatever that is, family.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Buy whatever fits now... then buy what makes me look best... Now buy what makes me look hot. ;-)
32. What kept you sane?

Alchohol. Ha! Mama C and my Mother.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Josh Lucas
34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Presidential election
35. Who did you miss?
The Pre-cancer Me
36. Who was the best new person you met?

If we're talking physically met it would have to be Susan. But if I just count great new friends it's a three-way tie between Susan, Kim and Sarah . All three have had dramatic influence on my life this year.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007

Life is what you make it.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I suck at song lyrics. I'll just blurt one out a few posts from now and you'll just have to know it's the answer to this question.

Thanks for playing. Have a happy new year everyone!!!!

Too much of a good thing and not so much of another

Things we have a lot of around Our House right now...

• Toys. Holy Hell. We only gave the kids 7 gifts a piece. Is that a lot? It's far less than previous years yet we seem to have toys in every nook and cranny of our living quarters. Perhaps they are breeding 'neath the festive lighted pine tree.
• Music. D got no less than three (!) pianos for Christmas. Santa brought him this delightful miniature electric grand, Auntie Em gave him the Little Tikes Rock & Twist Music Machine, and Mama C sent him a big giant floor piano.

• Used scotch tape. Every time I look at the floor I find yet another piece of tape stuck to the carpet.
  
• Candy trays. Normally, not a bad thing. But I must complain that the holidays are the suckiest of sucky times to be allergic to nuts.
• Laundry. More unauthorized breeding has obviously taken place in the dark confines of the holiday hampers.
• Twist Ties aka Packaged-Toy Handcuffs.
• Achronymed Technogadgetry needing attention/programming/set-up. See: Ipod, GPS, MP3, etc, etc.
• Blessings. Family, friends, health, home & hearth. Need I go on?

Things we are running dangerously short on...

• AAA batteries. WTF? Somehow I ended up with 2 pack of Cs and no AAAs. Blast it.
  
• Money. How many days until payday? Doesn't matter. It's already spent.
• Patience. Daddy-O and I have digressed to yelling matches about why white bath towels are better than colored ones and I have been directed to tell family members they are limited to giving only one gift per child next Christmas. As if.
• Time-off. It's back to work tomorrow. And I still can't see the corner of my living room.

But at least Santa brought B something useful since we don't have any more money. He actually asked for a rocket launching fishing pole for Christmas. It's a fishing pole that you cock like a shotgun, pull the trigger and fire the bobber and lure 30 feet. There's an awful lot of red in that boy.

Calling All Prayer Warriors

Two posts in one day. Someone check the weather forecast for the nether world please.

This weekend the boys and I traveled to the greater Los Angeles area for our family Christmas party at my Grammy's house. I haven't been since D was 8 months old due to first his, then my health issues. It was particularly nice to see everyone because it's been so long.

We are not the only ones in the family that have had health issues. I have 3 cousins (not my blood relations), 2 siblings and their first cousin, who have been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) over the last 9 years. Interesting that the medical profession doesn't consider MS to be a hereditary disease.

The last of these cousins diagnosed is CS. She was only diagnosed 2 years ago or so. At the time she was a teacher. Among other things, she taught PE and was a coach. Last year her legs began failing her and she went into a wheelchair. For some reason that is unclear to me, those of us in the extended family didn't really know this until about 5 weeks ago. At that point my grandparents went to visit her. She looked good, had a great attitude but did not have the use of her legs. Very sad for a young woman who had always been so physically active. Also, very difficult for her to care for her 3 year old daughter.

I was a bit nervous to see CS at the Christmas party, I must admit. After her brother, MM was diagnosed he was not the most pleasant of people to be around - quite petulant, actually. Not that I could possibly get an accurate picture of someones life in a 3-4 hour, once a year party. At any rate, I was hoping I wouldn't embarrass myself. I have a habit of inserting my foot firmly in my mouth quick as a flash.

Seeing CS was a pure joy, as, I am pleasantly surprised to report, was visiting with her brother. The real shock came at seeing her in her wheelchair. In the last 5 weeks not only has she lost the use of her legs, but also her arms and has limited breathing issues and slurred speech. She can no longer feed herself and has had to hire a live-in care giver. In 5 weeks time.

You're probably not shocked to hear that they no longer think it's MS. In fact, the 3 spinal taps they've done to test for MS have all come back negative. They thought it was a tumor on her brain stem. Yes. That is as bad as it sounds. But just today we've found out that the CT scan showed no tumor on her brain stem. That's a real mixed blessing. Thank God it's not an inoperable brain stem glioma. But what is it?

What the CT Scan did show is that her brain stem is atrophied. The doctors are completely stumped. The couldn't even give her a guess at what it might be. They just don't know. So she'll be seeing a world renowned neurological diagnostician at UC Davis. I think she's seeing the House of UC Davis. That would be cool if it wasn't so scary.

Wow. That was a really long story just to ask that y'all add my cousin to your prayers. But if anyone needs them right now, she does. Oh, and lets add a PS that the diagnostician isn't on as many pain killers as Hugh Laurie's character.

E is for Egg

D is smart. Already he knows his alphabetical What Is For Whats. He doesn't realize he's smart, though we tell him so all the time. Don't tell B, but D is way ahead of the game comparatively speaking.

What I really love is that D's letter comparisons aren't the typical ones as pictured on flashcards and alphabet lines in classrooms all across America. Some of them are, but most are the things that are important in D's non-visual little world.

The Alphabet According To D

A is for apple
B is for banana
C is for cheese /car /cane /candy / cookie
D is for drum (said while grinning widely and squirming with glee)
E is for egg
F is for french fry
G is for guitar!!!
H is for <insert gulping noise here> "h" doesn't rate, apparently
I is for ice cream !!! (duh)
J is for juice
K is for cookie (we've had many arguments about this - but he's adamant)
L is for lemonade
M is for Momma
N is for Nana / no
O is for beep, beep (toddlerspeak for "next")
P is for piano
Q is for drum!
R is for drum!
S is for Sydney / swing
T is for trike /truck / tire swing
U is for drum!
V is for vacuum!!! / violin
W is for vacuum
X is for vacuum
Y is for yes
Z is for zerbert

See how savy he is. Just look how many letters he has for drum and vacuum. Mark my words, the ladies will find that quality most impressive later in life. And "z is for zerbert"? What better use of that letter, I ask you, than a sloppy, noisy, squishy, wet, kissy, neck thing? Pure genius.

I think you can see why we've decided to enroll him in preschool in January. Clearly he is a prodigy but every raw talent needs molding and direction. Plus, he's never really played with kids his own age before. I hope he doesn't pinch them.

Smorgasbord

First order of business is to make my first attempt at passing out some Blogger Bling. I was reading Andrea of Punk Rock Mommy this morning and was, as always, humbled by the soul-baring, matter-of-fact beauty in her faith, her friends and her fight against Inflammatory Breast Cancer.

"A friend called me today and asked me about praying for God to do a miracle and heal me. My friend wanted to know what I thought about this. I will tell you what I told her. I think that God does not need to heal me to prove He is good. I think that I will live exactly as long as He wills it. I pray for God’s will to be done. I believe that there is a perfect plan in place set forth by a benevolent and loving God. And if it is His will that my testimony include a miracle it will, but if it does not than that is OK too. I am totally accepting of however this fight ends. I do not even care how many rounds it goes. Its me and cancer in this ring , you all are spectators. And if God steps in, fine. If not that’s OK too. In my heart I believe that we are supposed to allow God to work in our lives, even in ways that we do not understand or enjoy.
Just because I talk about death and do not expect a miracle does not mean that I am not fighting. I assure you I am. I am taking tons of toxic medication and dealing with all its side effects in the belief that it can and will heal me, even if only for awhile."

How beautiful is that? If that doesn't deserve an Inspirational Blogger Award I don't know what
does. Andrea, this is for you. Gee, hope I did that right.

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I have some news of my own today. I get to have my port-a-cath taken out. Yeah! Not that I really mind having it in. I've actually been very, very lucky in that it's given me absolutely no problems whatsoever. My mom's got infection after infection. Another dear friend, Jaci, who passed just last Thanksgiving, had hers work it's way right out of her chest! I've been fortunate.

My oncologist recommends that I leave it in for the life-span of the product, which is five years, due to my high risk of recurrence. I've been OK with that. However, since my switch to a PPO insurance this past January the maintenance on the dang thing has become cost prohibitive. I have to get it flushed every month which costs me about $55 between my co-pay and share of cost each time I go in. That really adds up. So, we've agreed to take it out. Yeah! One more step closer to normal - even if it was a fiscal-based decision not a health-based one.

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WhyMommy's post today served as a timely reminder of the truly important things in life. There seems to be one universal side effect of cancer. A renewal of le joie de vivre - the joy of life. Call it what you wish: spirituality, positive attitude, grace, a new lease on life or whatever... but most cancer patients/survivors are infused with this need "to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life" (-- from 'Dead Poet's Society').

Sadly, after being back in the working world for 10 months, and 14 months beyond chemo, I find that the bloom is beginning to fade from the rose. I snap at my kids for just being kids. I vent my frustrations in inappropriate places. I dispair of ever getting my hair past it's "growing out" stage already to one I can work with - forgetting that not so very long ago I would have been very pleased with any old mop of hair at all. And I have been taking for granted those friends who have been there for me when I have needed them these past years, in my current healthy stability.

Thank you, WhyMommy, for reminding me that each and every day is a gift to be cherished - whether it's spent pain-free, full of drudgery, laughing with a friend, or crying on one's shoulder. As the saying goes, "Any day above ground is a good day."

Shameless Holiday Spirit Lifting

The Christmas Spirit is alive and well in Our House. D has been introduced to The Christmas Tree and told that whenever he would like to "see" the tree he just needs to ask.

D: "Maaama. See the tree?"

Me: "Oh, you want to go touch the Christmas tree?"


D: "I do, I do, I dooooo-aaa!", he sing-songs.


I hold his hand as we walk to the tree while he stomps his feet really fast and says "I running." This is followed by the gentle touching of branches and breathy "wow-ing". Also some sniffing and some "Can you see it?"


Lord, I love that boy.

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And here for your viewing pleasure... The Tree

B presenting said tree

The shirt says it all...

My boys

My life

Letter to WhyMommy

My friend from the blogosphere, WhyMommy, just had a rather unwelcome moment of insight. Maybe it's because the holidays are looming and that always opens those lonely places in our heart that long for the warmth of family and acceptance. Or maybe she is just now, with the end of her cancer treatment in sight, thinking thoughts that her subconscious was too protective to allow her to entertain before. Either way, it has just occurred to my friend that she has a terminal illness, Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Her post is raw. It's an "Ah ha!" moment of the worst kind. For that clear view of her open wound, I send her the biggest cyber hug I can muster - even as I disagree with her as politely as possible.

WhyMommy - I would like to point out that you are in no way, shape or form to be considered "terminal" at this point in time. That card has most certainly not been played yet, my dear. You have cancer, yes. A disease that quite often is terminal, but nearly as often is not. You are early in the fight. Round one is not over yet. It is far, far too early to throw in the towel.

You're probably thinking right now that I have missed the point of your post entirely. That I am turning a blind eye to those feelings - maybe on purpose. Eh, there could be some truth to the last bit. However, I clearly "got" your post - perhaps too well. I vividly remember my own "Ah ha!" moment when I looked the possibility of a very early death in the eye.

I've always envied you your bravery in facing your cancer head on. While generally I am a research fanatic - knowledge is power- once I was diagnosed I stopped my internet research altogether. Statistically speaking, statistics have not been my friend. Ectopic pregnancy with no risk factors, son born with a genetic disease effecting 1 in 50,000 boys, breast cancer under the age of 40, Inflammatory Breast Cancer that is less that 5% of all breast cancers... need I go on? I tend to fixate on figures like those so I knew looking up the odds of survival, etc on the internet would not really be in my best interest. Yet I still feel cowardly for not doing so.

At any rate, I was sitting in my oncologist's office feeling the very picture of health. I had already finished my chemotherapy and had my mastectomy. At last, I thought, I am officially "cancer free". Bolstered by this new lease on life I felt confident enough to ask the question I had never dared to ask before, "What is my risk of recurrence?" Without hesitation or apology she looked in my eyes and said, "90 percent."

90 percent.

Just like that and my life was over. 90 percent. 90 percent? WTF? Why had I gone through all this? What was all the chemotherapy and the neuropathy for? The hair loss? The radiation? The surgeries? I was still just going to die. It couldn't be helped. I would leave my little boys without a mother. 90 percent. I knew I shouldn't have asked.

I don't really remember what I said exactly or what she said. I know she explained that it was 90 percent for ME because after 8 rounds of chemo I had still had 7 positive lymph nodes. Whatever. It was still 90 percent & I was much happier before I knew that.

Terminal. That's how I felt that day. She might as well have told me to go home and get my affairs in order. I mourned my life that night. You know, the life I used to have - before the diagnosis. The life full of health, vitality,and that air of indestructibility. The life I will never have again.

Before my next appointment, though, I had come to realize that life is terminal. We start dying the day we are born. Cancer may very well be the way I die but the when has yet to be decided. So when I walked into my oncologists office the next time, I laid it on the line. "That 90 percent recurrence risk. That's not working for me. What are we going to do about that?", I said. And we've worked from there ever since.

There is no reason I can't be one of the 10 percent without a recurrence. Statistically speaking, that's how my life has been going. WhyMommy, don't borrow trouble. This could be your first and last run in with cancer. Sure, you'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. So will I. You may even tiptoe so as not to wake the beast. But that doesn't mean you have to carry that burden around forever. They may not know how to cure cancer. But sometimes we get lucky. Either way, it beats the hell out of living in fear. Take it a day at a time, a month then a year at a time. Make it past the one year mark like I just did, then past two and hopefully five. Soon, you're home free. There's nothing terminal about that. That's just life.

Everyone visit WhyMommy and give her a bit of emotional support. It's a hard time of year to face your mortality.

Fact or fiction?

Thanks for the nice comments about my last post. You know. That particular memory of the Christmas tree delivered by Santa is one of the strongest from my childhood. And one of the warmest. I clearly remember hearing the sleigh bells, trying to push my way around the tree to get a glimpse at the fleeing red coat, feeling the prick of the pine needles and the unbelievable thrill in a pre-Christmas visit from Santa himself. It made my Christmas. It cemented my Belief for a lifetime. Other details of the day are fuzzy but have become clearer in my minds eye through the many, many retellings.

My mom read my blog last night. Low and behold, many details of that day were fuzzy it seems. For instance, I was 4 not 7. It was in Los Angeles before we moved up north and there was neither snow nor reindeer and sleigh tracks. However, the rest was pretty accurate. It seems I've merged several memories together into one. I hate it when that happens.

Does this ever happen to you? What do you do when presented with evidence contrary to a childhood memory? I'm not talking things like DNA proof here. That stuff is important. But stories handed down from adults to children, told and retold? Or your own stories you've told from your child's-eye view only to find the adult-eye view made the story completely different? Do you abandon your long-held, often retold story in favor of the historically accurate version? Or do you stick with the original telling, facts be damned?